2016
Ed Stephenson 12/11/16
Ed's car took a direct hit.
Ed's car took a direct hit.
There's nothing as bad as a slice
We all say a slice is not nice
A slice that went far
Smashed into Ed's car
Don't park there would be my advice
We all say a slice is not nice
A slice that went far
Smashed into Ed's car
Don't park there would be my advice
Malcolm Moore 23/04/16
The Director hit an ace ... sort of.
The Director hit an ace ... sort of.
When Malcolm went whack, hole in one
He marvelled at what he had done
We had to point out
The score didn't count
'Cos the hole was for footy golf fun
He marvelled at what he had done
We had to point out
The score didn't count
'Cos the hole was for footy golf fun
Mal Gammon, Tony Harding and Ed Stephenson 23/01/16
Today was a three-club challenge, and we all played terribly, but none as bad as this group on the fifth hole.
Today was a three-club challenge, and we all played terribly, but none as bad as this group on the fifth hole.
With three clubs the fun can deflate
Mal, Tony and Ed played not great
It was worse than you'd think
Five balls in the drink
Between them they scored 28
Mal, Tony and Ed played not great
It was worse than you'd think
Five balls in the drink
Between them they scored 28
Jeff Flint 9/01/16
Flinty made an impressive comeback from being sick.
Flinty made an impressive comeback from being sick.
Poor Flinty's been sick as a dog
So playing golf could be a slog
Giardia's shitty
But please don't feel pity
His PB left people agog
So playing golf could be a slog
Giardia's shitty
But please don't feel pity
His PB left people agog
2015
Ed Stephenson 31/10/15
Ed's bag rolled away from him and finished up in a bunker, spilling much of its content.
Ed's bag rolled away from him and finished up in a bunker, spilling much of its content.
Ed often hits shots that aren't planned
They're shots that his golf bag can't stand
One shot was such crap
The bag saw a trap
And threw itself into the sand
They're shots that his golf bag can't stand
One shot was such crap
The bag saw a trap
And threw itself into the sand
GCGC 7/09/15
44 was the number.
44 was the number.
Four of us made 44
A strangely coincident score
Don, St John and Dave
and Tony the Brave
But definitely not Malcolm Moore
A strangely coincident score
Don, St John and Dave
and Tony the Brave
But definitely not Malcolm Moore
Geoff Weir 15/08/15
Geoff's tee shot on the first had unusual power.
Geoff's tee shot on the first had unusual power.
His drive made a fine golfing sound
But Geoff's ball went left and he frowned
He waited for splash
But a branch took a bash
And half the tree fell to the ground
But Geoff's ball went left and he frowned
He waited for splash
But a branch took a bash
And half the tree fell to the ground
Malcolm Moore 2/05/15
Our course now offers foot golf. Players use soccer balls and try to kick into suitably large holes which are placed around the course. Sometimes these holes get in the way. Thanks to Tony Harding for the limerick.
Our course now offers foot golf. Players use soccer balls and try to kick into suitably large holes which are placed around the course. Sometimes these holes get in the way. Thanks to Tony Harding for the limerick.
At 14 the Director got seven
He thought that it really was heaven
Cos his first shot was fun
T'was his first hole in one
On footie hole number 11
He thought that it really was heaven
Cos his first shot was fun
T'was his first hole in one
On footie hole number 11
Morris Kirkham 2/05/15
Tony's father in law visited again after six years. (See his previous limerick for 30/05/2009).
Tony's father in law visited again after six years. (See his previous limerick for 30/05/2009).
Hi Morris, old son, welcome back
You're visiting us while we hack
But here is the thing
We hope you will sing
'Cos fine entertainment's your knack.
(He did.)
You're visiting us while we hack
But here is the thing
We hope you will sing
'Cos fine entertainment's your knack.
(He did.)
2014
Chris Walsh 20/12/14
Chris achieved the golfer's dream today - a hole in one (on the 12th hole of the Tuart course). Unfortunately his joy was tempered because his average on the other eight holes was a triple bogey.
Chris achieved the golfer's dream today - a hole in one (on the 12th hole of the Tuart course). Unfortunately his joy was tempered because his average on the other eight holes was a triple bogey.
Chris teed off with purpose and grace
His ball traveled low and with pace
His heartbeat went up
'Cos it rolled in the cup
To score a magnificent ace
Despite this magnificent hit
The rest of his round was just shit
Having played his great shot
He should have been hot
But didn't get better one bit
His ball traveled low and with pace
His heartbeat went up
'Cos it rolled in the cup
To score a magnificent ace
Despite this magnificent hit
The rest of his round was just shit
Having played his great shot
He should have been hot
But didn't get better one bit
David Pannell 22/11/14
We had a three-club challenge. Dave tried putting with a hybrid, to give him more club flexibility. It backfired hugely, with Dave four putting on three consecutive holes.
We had a three-club challenge. Dave tried putting with a hybrid, to give him more club flexibility. It backfired hugely, with Dave four putting on three consecutive holes.
Dave chose his three clubs with no putter
His putting, of course, hit the gutter
That strategy's shit
He won't repeat it
If he does, it'll mean he's a nutter
His putting, of course, hit the gutter
That strategy's shit
He won't repeat it
If he does, it'll mean he's a nutter
Matthew Mitchell 8/11/14
Matthew started brilliantly, but then ...
Matthew started brilliantly, but then ...
Matt's drive on the 5th was way loose
The ball would complain of abuse
So his score he'd not sully
He pulled out a mully
But anyway wracked up a moose
The ball would complain of abuse
So his score he'd not sully
He pulled out a mully
But anyway wracked up a moose
GCGC 25/10/14
Last week we got caught in a huge storm. Had to abandon the round after 5 holes after lightening struck frighteningly close to where we were playing followed by incredibly heavy hail.
Last week we got caught in a huge storm. Had to abandon the round after 5 holes after lightening struck frighteningly close to where we were playing followed by incredibly heavy hail.
In summer the blazing sun grilled us
But last week a mighty storm chilled us
The hail stones did bite
The fairways turned white
And lightening it very near killed us
But last week a mighty storm chilled us
The hail stones did bite
The fairways turned white
And lightening it very near killed us
Tony Harding 24/08/14
Tony needed a mulligan on the first. The result was identical to his first attempt.
Tony needed a mulligan on the first. The result was identical to his first attempt.
Our Tony stands silent to think
And hooks the ball into the drink
His mully's no neater
It's just a repeater
It does an identical sink
And hooks the ball into the drink
His mully's no neater
It's just a repeater
It does an identical sink
Geoff Weir (The Captain) 9/08/14
We never forget the Director's skill at wildlife control, highlighted by the death of a duck back in 2009. Now the Captain has taken in hand the control of coots. He didn't quite hit one, but it was very close, and the coot was highly put out.
We never forget the Director's skill at wildlife control, highlighted by the death of a duck back in 2009. Now the Captain has taken in hand the control of coots. He didn't quite hit one, but it was very close, and the coot was highly put out.
The noise of the birds doesn't suit
They vex us by quack or by hoot
The killer of duck
Of late had no luck
So Geoffrey's now going for coot.
They vex us by quack or by hoot
The killer of duck
Of late had no luck
So Geoffrey's now going for coot.
Dave Pannell 15/06/14
It poured. The greens became waterlogged, and some actually had puddles. Limerick from Tony Harding.
It poured. The greens became waterlogged, and some actually had puddles. Limerick from Tony Harding.
Today it was really quite wet
And David got really upset
His putt hit the puddle
And gave him a double
An outcome he'd like to forget
And David got really upset
His putt hit the puddle
And gave him a double
An outcome he'd like to forget
Malcolm Moore 03/05/14
Malcolm's tee shot on a par 4 hole reached the green, but ...
Malcolm's tee shot on a par 4 hole reached the green, but ...
A marvellous shot Malcolm stole
When driving the green was his goal
He finished pin high
But wanted to cry
'Cos the green was the previous hole
When driving the green was his goal
He finished pin high
But wanted to cry
'Cos the green was the previous hole
Chris Walsh 08/02/14
An auspicious eighth hole for Chris
An auspicious eighth hole for Chris
His golf ranged from quite good to dirty
Emotions from happy to shirty
But all that aside
Chris finished with pride
By scoring his first ever birdy
Emotions from happy to shirty
But all that aside
Chris finished with pride
By scoring his first ever birdy
St John Kenny 25/01/14
St John sometimes takes a leaf out of Tony Smith's book, putting from well off the green. But this time he over-did it, and regretted it.
St John sometimes takes a leaf out of Tony Smith's book, putting from well off the green. But this time he over-did it, and regretted it.
No risk St John wanted to take
You'd think that a lot was at stake
He felt like a nut
When his 80 yard putt
Diverted left into the lake
You'd think that a lot was at stake
He felt like a nut
When his 80 yard putt
Diverted left into the lake
2013
Mike Kelly 30/11/13
mA huuuge slice on the second hole led to this.
mA huuuge slice on the second hole led to this.
Mike hit his ball into the cricket
We thought that he might take a wicket
But a mid-off called Jack
He threw it right back
With a shout saying where Mike could stick it
We thought that he might take a wicket
But a mid-off called Jack
He threw it right back
With a shout saying where Mike could stick it
Geoff Weir and Stu 16/11/13
Geoff had a special guest along today. He looked very familiar and was sartorially splendid.
Geoff had a special guest along today. He looked very familiar and was sartorially splendid.
When Geoff feels his golf will be ratty
He brings Eric Clapton to caddie
With a beard on his head
And socks of bright red
His dress is exceedingly natty
He brings Eric Clapton to caddie
With a beard on his head
And socks of bright red
His dress is exceedingly natty
Malcolm Moore 9/11/13
The Director had a lucky break.
The Director had a lucky break.
In bunkers you hit off soft ground
But new ways to cheat Malcolm found
His shot took the cake
It clobbered a rake
And got an enormous rebound
(Thanks Don for starting this limerick)
But new ways to cheat Malcolm found
His shot took the cake
It clobbered a rake
And got an enormous rebound
(Thanks Don for starting this limerick)
Tony Harding 19/10/13
The Director is the king of killing ducks. But ...
The Director is the king of killing ducks. But ...
The Director, his crown got a fright
When Harding’s umbrella took flight
And thanks to the weather
It landed on feathers
And ducklings were sprayed left and right.
Though Tony is quite a large fella
He might have a streak of the yella
He thought he would stay
A good ten yards away
While the mother duck chased his umbrella
(Thanks Andy for the limericks)
When Harding’s umbrella took flight
And thanks to the weather
It landed on feathers
And ducklings were sprayed left and right.
Though Tony is quite a large fella
He might have a streak of the yella
He thought he would stay
A good ten yards away
While the mother duck chased his umbrella
(Thanks Andy for the limericks)
St John Kenny 19/10/13
They say 666 is the devil's number. Today St John scored 6, 6, 5, 6, 6, 6, 6, 6, 6.
They say 666 is the devil's number. Today St John scored 6, 6, 5, 6, 6, 6, 6, 6, 6.
If six is a score you should hate
Then St John would not feel too great
Our pity was stirred
'Cos but for the third
He would have got nine sixes straight
Then St John would not feel too great
Our pity was stirred
'Cos but for the third
He would have got nine sixes straight
Chris Walsh 12/10/2013
New member Chris tried to get his ball over a large tuart tree and performed a miracle shot, although not necessarily in a good way.
New member Chris tried to get his ball over a large tuart tree and performed a miracle shot, although not necessarily in a good way.
Poor Christopher felt like a dork
Like a man who can't chew gum and walk
He took on a tuart
But totally blew it
The ball lodged up high in a fork
Like a man who can't chew gum and walk
He took on a tuart
But totally blew it
The ball lodged up high in a fork
Neil Mitchell June 2013
This limerick describes an event that happened a month or two ago. It was too good to let it pass.
This limerick describes an event that happened a month or two ago. It was too good to let it pass.
Great power to his swing Neil imparted
But then he was left broken hearted
The man from Exxon*
Got hit on the scone**
And the ball ended up where it started
* Pronounced with the emphasis on 'on:. exxON, not EXXon.
**Pronounced 'sconn'. Meaning head.
But then he was left broken hearted
The man from Exxon*
Got hit on the scone**
And the ball ended up where it started
* Pronounced with the emphasis on 'on:. exxON, not EXXon.
**Pronounced 'sconn'. Meaning head.
Malcolm Moore 22/07/13
It's bad enough to hit a ball into a bunker, but ...
It's bad enough to hit a ball into a bunker, but ...
Poor Malcolm, his shot lacked control
To sand in a trap it did roll
To add to the strain
And double the pain
The bunker was on the wrong hole
To sand in a trap it did roll
To add to the strain
And double the pain
The bunker was on the wrong hole
David Pannell 25/05/13
Dave smashed his previous personal best of 40, with a very steady 36.
Dave smashed his previous personal best of 40, with a very steady 36.
A P.B. is great to achieve
But this one was hard to believe
Did David play tricks
To get 36?
A score he just couldn't conceive
But this one was hard to believe
Did David play tricks
To get 36?
A score he just couldn't conceive
Malcolm Moore 11/05/13
The Director's electric buggy did a runner, taking his clubs. Apparently it had had enough of his poor play.
The Director's electric buggy did a runner, taking his clubs. Apparently it had had enough of his poor play.
The Director was stuck in a trough
His score went from crappy to rough
His buggy, I fear
Said I'm outa here
It switched on and puttered right off
His score went from crappy to rough
His buggy, I fear
Said I'm outa here
It switched on and puttered right off
Jeff Flint 27/04/13
One from Jeff himself.
One from Jeff himself.
A crow stole my apple and orange
His beak was as sharp as a syringe [pronounced like “sorange”]
That rhyme I regret
But don’t complain yet
The last line will make you all co-ringe
His beak was as sharp as a syringe [pronounced like “sorange”]
That rhyme I regret
But don’t complain yet
The last line will make you all co-ringe
Andy Connor 27/04/13
Andy's response, after noting that apple is almost as difficult to rhyme as orange.
Andy's response, after noting that apple is almost as difficult to rhyme as orange.
A crow stole my orange and apple
Its beak was as wide as a grapple
With orange up front
The little black c--t
Flew off leaving me eating f--k all
Its beak was as wide as a grapple
With orange up front
The little black c--t
Flew off leaving me eating f--k all
Mal Gammon 27/04/13
Then Mal got in on the act.
Then Mal got in on the act.
My orange and apple the crow took [It was a raven, really]
It came and flew off after one look
With fruit in its beak
It flew like a freak
And Jeff was left checking the rules book
It came and flew off after one look
With fruit in its beak
It flew like a freak
And Jeff was left checking the rules book
Phil Kelly 30/03/13
Phil is one of our longest hitters. Sometimes it's hard to wait long enough for the next group to get far enough ahead. A couple of times today, he under-estimated his own strength, to the peril of the three old ladies playing in front.
Phil is one of our longest hitters. Sometimes it's hard to wait long enough for the next group to get far enough ahead. A couple of times today, he under-estimated his own strength, to the peril of the three old ladies playing in front.
When Phil sees old ladies ahead
One hopes that they won't soon be dead
But Phil meets his need
For high club head speed
And sends the ball over their head
One hopes that they won't soon be dead
But Phil meets his need
For high club head speed
And sends the ball over their head
Andy Connor 23/03/13
Andy's tee shot on the 9th hole bounced off the lake, skimmed just past the edge of a bunker, and ended up winning the ball for being nearest to the pin.
Andy's tee shot on the 9th hole bounced off the lake, skimmed just past the edge of a bunker, and ended up winning the ball for being nearest to the pin.
Big A hit a ball in the drink
It bounced when you'd think it should sink
Though Andy's got class
This shot was all arse
His nearest-the-pin had that stink
It bounced when you'd think it should sink
Though Andy's got class
This shot was all arse
His nearest-the-pin had that stink
Mike Kelly 9/03/13
On the third hole, Mike went about as close as it's possible to go to getting a hole in one without actually getting one.
On the third hole, Mike went about as close as it's possible to go to getting a hole in one without actually getting one.
A look of command on his face
Mike's swing had an elegant grace
Well-judged to the ounce
He got a nice bounce
By one inch he missed a fine ace
Mike's swing had an elegant grace
Well-judged to the ounce
He got a nice bounce
By one inch he missed a fine ace
Neil Mitchell 2/03/13
Neil had an unfortunate 11 on one hole after a terrible losing battle with a bunker. A few holes later he was heard talking wistfully about how he should have got an 8.
Neil had an unfortunate 11 on one hole after a terrible losing battle with a bunker. A few holes later he was heard talking wistfully about how he should have got an 8.
Poor Neil said he wanted an 8
He thought than an 8 would be great
Compared with 11
An 8 would be heaven
But he had the idea a bit late
He thought than an 8 would be great
Compared with 11
An 8 would be heaven
But he had the idea a bit late
Geoff Weir 2/03/13
With the Captain away, we made an interesting discovery about his handicap relative to the Director's.
With the Captain away, we made an interesting discovery about his handicap relative to the Director's.
Your handicap shows your prowess
It's clear-cut, there's no need to guess
The captain's hurt pride
Has nowhere to hide
'Cos now the Director's is less
It's clear-cut, there's no need to guess
The captain's hurt pride
Has nowhere to hide
'Cos now the Director's is less
David Pannell 23/02/13
When Dave's playing partners (Mal, Matthew and Mike) refused to grant him a gimme for a short downhill putt on the 4th, Dave was forced to putt it out.
When Dave's playing partners (Mal, Matthew and Mike) refused to grant him a gimme for a short downhill putt on the 4th, Dave was forced to putt it out.
The cup was a half step below
A gimme? Dave's partners said no
He swore at them all
And putted the ball
It rolled past the hole nice and slow
A gimme? Dave's partners said no
He swore at them all
And putted the ball
It rolled past the hole nice and slow
Neil Mitchell 16/02/13
We played ambrose today. Neil teamed up with Dave. Our rule is that each player has to have at least three of his tee shots count, but Neil had enormous trouble keeping his drives anywhere near the fairway. By the 8th hole, Neil and Dave were getting desperate. Dave advised Neil to play a conservative shot, but Neil seemed to think this meant right-wing, and hit his ball in that direction.
We played ambrose today. Neil teamed up with Dave. Our rule is that each player has to have at least three of his tee shots count, but Neil had enormous trouble keeping his drives anywhere near the fairway. By the 8th hole, Neil and Dave were getting desperate. Dave advised Neil to play a conservative shot, but Neil seemed to think this meant right-wing, and hit his ball in that direction.
Neil needed a shot we could clap
A straight and conservative tap
He played like a rabbit
His shot was an Abbott*
Far right and nothing but crap
*i.e. Tony
A straight and conservative tap
He played like a rabbit
His shot was an Abbott*
Far right and nothing but crap
*i.e. Tony
Neil Mitchell 16/02/13
Moving onto the 9th hole, there was now no choice. Neil's tee shot was going to count no matter how bad it was.
Moving onto the 9th hole, there was now no choice. Neil's tee shot was going to count no matter how bad it was.
In ambrose you must stay awake
'Cos three drives apiece you must take
Neil's chances slipped by
On 9 he let fly
And clobbered it into the lake
To rub salt in the wounds, Dave's tee shot finished about a metre from the flag, but it didn't count.
'Cos three drives apiece you must take
Neil's chances slipped by
On 9 he let fly
And clobbered it into the lake
To rub salt in the wounds, Dave's tee shot finished about a metre from the flag, but it didn't count.
Don Eastwood 9/02/13
Don overlooked a windfall today, much to his regret.
Don overlooked a windfall today, much to his regret.
Don's roots back in York, I suppose
Explain why his blood boiled and froze
Cos Andy, he found
Four bucks on the ground
And picked it up under Don's nose
Explain why his blood boiled and froze
Cos Andy, he found
Four bucks on the ground
And picked it up under Don's nose
Tony Smith 12/01/13
Tony didn't play today as he is still recovering from a Christmas-related injury. While dismantling his Christmas tree, he fell off a ladder. Shades of Molly Meldrum.
Tony didn't play today as he is still recovering from a Christmas-related injury. While dismantling his Christmas tree, he fell off a ladder. Shades of Molly Meldrum.
Last week it was Tony Smith's folly
To fall off a ladder like Molly
His hip hit the floor
He let out a roar
And felt like a foolish old wally
To fall off a ladder like Molly
His hip hit the floor
He let out a roar
And felt like a foolish old wally