2010
Malcolm Moore 18/12/10
Malcolm's ninth-hole hoodoo returned with full force today. After getting to 9 off the tee, he asked for a "mercy gimme 10". His playing partners were so shell-shocked from what they had witnessed that they very generously granted his request.
Malcolm's ninth-hole hoodoo returned with full force today. After getting to 9 off the tee, he asked for a "mercy gimme 10". His playing partners were so shell-shocked from what they had witnessed that they very generously granted his request.
Our Malcolm had all he could take
Four balls in a row in the lake
A gimme he sought
His mates said they ought
To grant it, for everyone's sake
Four balls in a row in the lake
A gimme he sought
His mates said they ought
To grant it, for everyone's sake
Don McFarlane 25/11/10
Don did the booking today, while our captain Geoff Weir is apparently off contributing to the delay of peak oil. (Limerick by Jeff Flint.)
Don did the booking today, while our captain Geoff Weir is apparently off contributing to the delay of peak oil. (Limerick by Jeff Flint.)
Our young Don has done the golf booking
As well, he is far better looking
Than Weir whose toil
Is looking for oil
But booking won’t stop his wild hooking
As well, he is far better looking
Than Weir whose toil
Is looking for oil
But booking won’t stop his wild hooking
Jeff Flint 25/11/10
Don McFarlane's right of reply to Jeff's limerick above.
Don McFarlane's right of reply to Jeff's limerick above.
An email from Jeffery Flint
With content that's not fit to print
He wastes his work time
Producing this rhyme
No wonder the government’s skint
With content that's not fit to print
He wastes his work time
Producing this rhyme
No wonder the government’s skint
Ed Stephenson 20/11/10
We played ambrose today. We play in pairs, and each member of the partnership has to contribute at least three drives to the round. After 8 holes, Ed had only contributed 2 drives, so his drive on the 9th hole was going to count, no matter what.
We played ambrose today. We play in pairs, and each member of the partnership has to contribute at least three drives to the round. After 8 holes, Ed had only contributed 2 drives, so his drive on the 9th hole was going to count, no matter what.
For Edward a lot was at stake
The pressure was too big to take
No margin for error
Ed stood there in terror
And hit the ball into the lake
The pressure was too big to take
No margin for error
Ed stood there in terror
And hit the ball into the lake
Don Eastwood 13/11/10
After a typically wild shot, Don found himself with a broad and thick forest of trees between his ball and the green. There followed what Tony Smith described as "shot of the century".
After a typically wild shot, Don found himself with a broad and thick forest of trees between his ball and the green. There followed what Tony Smith described as "shot of the century".
Don's bash through the forest was hot
A once in a century shot
It hummed through the trees
No higher than knees
And finished 10 feet from the pot
A once in a century shot
It hummed through the trees
No higher than knees
And finished 10 feet from the pot
Ed Stephenson 30/10/10
Tony Smith was standing on the green when he got hit on the bum by an over-hit incoming ball from Ed. Ed took full advantage and sank the putt.
Tony Smith was standing on the green when he got hit on the bum by an over-hit incoming ball from Ed. Ed took full advantage and sank the putt.
Ed clobbered the ball off the grass
As usual his shot it had class
He had a clear goal
To get to the hole
He did, but the hole was an arse
As usual his shot it had class
He had a clear goal
To get to the hole
He did, but the hole was an arse
Matthew Mitchell 23/10/10
Matthew surprised himself with an amazing tee shot on the eighth hole. It's a par 4 hole, but Matthew had the help of a pretty strong tail wind.
Matthew surprised himself with an amazing tee shot on the eighth hole. It's a par 4 hole, but Matthew had the help of a pretty strong tail wind.
Matt reached the eighth tee bright and keen
And hit the best 4 iron I've seen
Across lake and tree
Across the 9th tee
It finished up close to the green
And hit the best 4 iron I've seen
Across lake and tree
Across the 9th tee
It finished up close to the green
Ed Stephenson 9/10/10
Ed today managed a shot that should be physically impossible. He swung the club forwards, and it hit the ball, but the ball travelled backwards. It wasn't that it bounced off a tree or anything. It was just that he topped it so much that is was driven straight down into the ground, bounced up, and rolled backwards.
Ed today managed a shot that should be physically impossible. He swung the club forwards, and it hit the ball, but the ball travelled backwards. It wasn't that it bounced off a tree or anything. It was just that he topped it so much that is was driven straight down into the ground, bounced up, and rolled backwards.
As Ed swung the club to up-wind
He pictured the flag in his mind
He's now broken hearted
'Cos where his ball started
It finished a metre behind
He pictured the flag in his mind
He's now broken hearted
'Cos where his ball started
It finished a metre behind
Malcolm Moore 11/09/10
From a look at the recent limericks on this page, you'd think that Malcolm was almost the only remaining member of this club. I was determined not to write about him again this week, but then he went and scored an eagle! After his recent golfing trials, there was no way this could go unrecognised.
From a look at the recent limericks on this page, you'd think that Malcolm was almost the only remaining member of this club. I was determined not to write about him again this week, but then he went and scored an eagle! After his recent golfing trials, there was no way this could go unrecognised.
Though his golf may be subject to doubt
The Director on 6 made them shout
The men kept their eye on
The shot from his iron
He sunk it from 150 out
The Director on 6 made them shout
The men kept their eye on
The shot from his iron
He sunk it from 150 out
Malcolm Moore 04/09/10
Yet again, the Director does a spectacular crash and burn on the short par-3 ninth hole. Today he'd been playing quite well until then, but he twice went into the water in front of the tee, then went into a lake way left of the green, then hit across the green into the rough, then almost went into a bunker, finishing with 10 for a moose. This is getting worse, not better!
Yet again, the Director does a spectacular crash and burn on the short par-3 ninth hole. Today he'd been playing quite well until then, but he twice went into the water in front of the tee, then went into a lake way left of the green, then hit across the green into the rough, then almost went into a bunker, finishing with 10 for a moose. This is getting worse, not better!
It's getting beyond friendly jokes
When Mal reaches 9 his game croaks
His tee shot's a noose
Today came a moose
We don't understand why he chokes
When Mal reaches 9 his game croaks
His tee shot's a noose
Today came a moose
We don't understand why he chokes
Dean Wood 15/08/10
Dean had a shocking time on the par 3 9th hole today, struggling to get out of the bunker, and then putting back into it, amongst other misadventures.
Dean had a shocking time on the par 3 9th hole today, struggling to get out of the bunker, and then putting back into it, amongst other misadventures.
A golfer called Dean played sublime
Until he reached hole number 9
His score wasn't heaven
His mates said 11
They stopped him to save drinking time
Until he reached hole number 9
His score wasn't heaven
His mates said 11
They stopped him to save drinking time
Malcolm Moore 07/08/10
After today we have decided to name the ninth hole in honour of 'the Director'. His first ball hit the water a few metres to the left of a duck, skipped a few times and sank. His second shot hit the concrete wall just near the duck and ricocheted back into the water. The duck decided it was time to leave, probably because the Director has form. To save balls, he took a drop on the other side to the water and hit this shot 30 metres along the ground into a large bunker. He finished with an 8 on a short par 3. (Thanks Don McFarlane for starting these limericks.)
After today we have decided to name the ninth hole in honour of 'the Director'. His first ball hit the water a few metres to the left of a duck, skipped a few times and sank. His second shot hit the concrete wall just near the duck and ricocheted back into the water. The duck decided it was time to leave, probably because the Director has form. To save balls, he took a drop on the other side to the water and hit this shot 30 metres along the ground into a large bunker. He finished with an 8 on a short par 3. (Thanks Don McFarlane for starting these limericks.)
The Director’s a happy old soul
Who everyone likes to cajole
But one thing we’ve found
His ball hugs the ground
It won’t fly but boy can it roll
For one of the holes on these links
A low skimming shot really stinks
It’s quite a mistake
To roll on the lake
Cos 9 times in 10 the ball sinks
Who everyone likes to cajole
But one thing we’ve found
His ball hugs the ground
It won’t fly but boy can it roll
For one of the holes on these links
A low skimming shot really stinks
It’s quite a mistake
To roll on the lake
Cos 9 times in 10 the ball sinks
Malcolm Moore 31/07/10On the ninth today, Malcolm, or the "Director", played one of the most extraordinary holes in the history of the GCGC. First, his tee shot hit the nearby sign (which shows the hole number and a map of the hole) end on, and the ball bounced back onto the eighth fairway. His second shot went into the thick shrubs next to the ninth tee, requiring a drop. His next shot went into the lake, just in front of the tee, requiring another drop. Finally, his sixth shot flew across the lake and ran up to the flag, for a relatively easy putt, which he sank for a fine seven.
The Director stepped up and went whack
It bounced off the sign and shot back
Again he went bash
To the bush and then splash
But still his resolve did not crack
It bounced off the sign and shot back
Again he went bash
To the bush and then splash
But still his resolve did not crack
Dave Pannell 24/07/10
This limerick recounts the first stage of a thoroughly tragic hole.
This limerick recounts the first stage of a thoroughly tragic hole.
My shot was quite good off the tee
I'm happy with that one, said me
But then came a shock
'Cos like Peter Brock
I found my self dead by a tree
I'm happy with that one, said me
But then came a shock
'Cos like Peter Brock
I found my self dead by a tree
Ed Stephenson 17/07/10
We played on the 'Old' course for a change. To commemorate Ed's score of 70 (for 9 holes) Don McFarlane composed the following.
We played on the 'Old' course for a change. To commemorate Ed's score of 70 (for 9 holes) Don McFarlane composed the following.
Ed stands as a man amongst men
A rooster but never a hen
We played on the 'Old'
To help break the mould
But poor Ed hit three score and ten
A rooster but never a hen
We played on the 'Old'
To help break the mould
But poor Ed hit three score and ten
Tony Harding 15/07/10
Tony moved to India for work a few months back, and now plays at the Clover Greens course near Bangalore. I'm sure it's not as good as playing with the GCGC.
Tony moved to India for work a few months back, and now plays at the Clover Greens course near Bangalore. I'm sure it's not as good as playing with the GCGC.
To Bangalore Tony has shifted
But his spirit has fallen, not lifted
‘Cos when Saturday comes
He misses his chums
Who are clever and handsome and gifted
To which Tony replied ...
There’s a rumour my spirit is blue
But don’t worry! – that just isn’t true
Tho I do miss the Chips
I’ve hot curry dips
And an excellent new golfing crew
But his spirit has fallen, not lifted
‘Cos when Saturday comes
He misses his chums
Who are clever and handsome and gifted
To which Tony replied ...
There’s a rumour my spirit is blue
But don’t worry! – that just isn’t true
Tho I do miss the Chips
I’ve hot curry dips
And an excellent new golfing crew
St John Kenny 10/07/10
For a change we went to the Burswood course and battled with the many lakes and bunkers. St John lost his battle with the challenging 11th hole, which has nothing between the tee and the green except a wide stretch of water.
For a change we went to the Burswood course and battled with the many lakes and bunkers. St John lost his battle with the challenging 11th hole, which has nothing between the tee and the green except a wide stretch of water.
A five off the tee is not fine
But still it's no help if you whine
So St John tried hard
To better his card
And managed to salvage a nine
But still it's no help if you whine
So St John tried hard
To better his card
And managed to salvage a nine
Dean Wood 10/07/10
On par-three holes we have a competition for the player whose ball ends up nearest the pin. But it has to be the right pin! Dean's ball bounced off a wall and ended up on the green of a different hole. Limerick by Don McFarlane and Dave Pannell.
On par-three holes we have a competition for the player whose ball ends up nearest the pin. But it has to be the right pin! Dean's ball bounced off a wall and ended up on the green of a different hole. Limerick by Don McFarlane and Dave Pannell.
Some holes we play ‘nearest the pin’
To hit it wide isn’t a sin
But poor muddled Dean
He hit the wrong green
Which isn’t the best way to win
To hit it wide isn’t a sin
But poor muddled Dean
He hit the wrong green
Which isn’t the best way to win
Don Eastwood 19/06/10
Don's round was a bit better than last week, but his tee shot on the second hole was remarkable, going at 90 degrees to his intended direction and bouncing between two passing cars.
Don's round was a bit better than last week, but his tee shot on the second hole was remarkable, going at 90 degrees to his intended direction and bouncing between two passing cars.
The road is for driving, not drives
To keep this in mind our Don strives
But teeing the second
The nearby street beckoned
He's lucky he didn't take lives
To keep this in mind our Don strives
But teeing the second
The nearby street beckoned
He's lucky he didn't take lives
Don Eastwood 12/06/10
Poor Don had a dreadful round: 64 for 9 holes.
Poor Don had a dreadful round: 64 for 9 holes.
The Beatles "When I'm 64"
Refers to their ages I'm sure
But Don's a bit dim
He thought they meant him
So he copied the song with his score
Refers to their ages I'm sure
But Don's a bit dim
He thought they meant him
So he copied the song with his score
Dean Wood 5/06/10
We played 18 holes this week. The first 9 were terrible for Dean but he scored his personal best on the second 9. Don McFarlane imortalised his feat.
We played 18 holes this week. The first 9 were terrible for Dean but he scored his personal best on the second 9. Don McFarlane imortalised his feat.
Dean golfs and he also keeps bees
While swinging he don't bend his knees
His play was quite nifty
He even broke 50
By keeping away from the trees
While swinging he don't bend his knees
His play was quite nifty
He even broke 50
By keeping away from the trees
Neil Mitchell 22/05/10
An eventful week, spawning three limericks. Neil had a shocker, marked by numerous tee shots veering off alarmingly to the right. Most strikingly, from the ninth tee, which has a lake immediately in front of it, he performed a miracle shot.
An eventful week, spawning three limericks. Neil had a shocker, marked by numerous tee shots veering off alarmingly to the right. Most strikingly, from the ninth tee, which has a lake immediately in front of it, he performed a miracle shot.
One the ninth tee the green is in sight
You don't have to hit it with might
There's water to cross
Neil showed us who's boss
By missing the lake to the right
p.s. It turns out that I was misinformed, and this happened on the eighth hole, rather than the ninth, but one shouldn't let the truth get in the way of a limerick.
You don't have to hit it with might
There's water to cross
Neil showed us who's boss
By missing the lake to the right
p.s. It turns out that I was misinformed, and this happened on the eighth hole, rather than the ninth, but one shouldn't let the truth get in the way of a limerick.
Matthew Mitchell 22/05/10
Matthew wore some new golf apparel, purchased on-line from the US, but his score went backwards.
Matthew wore some new golf apparel, purchased on-line from the US, but his score went backwards.
When golfers require attention
They wear pants too garish to mention
If Matt thought his tweeds
Would help his golf deeds
He suffered a misapprehension
They wear pants too garish to mention
If Matt thought his tweeds
Would help his golf deeds
He suffered a misapprehension
Geoff Weir 22/05/10
It's not unusual for one of us to lose a ball, but Geoff managed to contrive a creative new way to do so.
It's not unusual for one of us to lose a ball, but Geoff managed to contrive a creative new way to do so.
Geoff's golf went from dark down to darker
His drive hit the red ladies' marker
It flew in the air
And fell who know where
Poor Geoff felt his round was a farker
His drive hit the red ladies' marker
It flew in the air
And fell who know where
Poor Geoff felt his round was a farker
Matthew Mitchell 15/05/10
Matthew has performed the rare feat of winning the cash two weeks in a row, playing golf of a quality that is quite inconsistent with his generous handicap.
Matthew has performed the rare feat of winning the cash two weeks in a row, playing golf of a quality that is quite inconsistent with his generous handicap.
To Matthew you just have to hand it
He's so good we don't understand it
His handicap lags
So every tongue wags
They argue he must be a bandit
He's so good we don't understand it
His handicap lags
So every tongue wags
They argue he must be a bandit
Neil Mitchell 15/05/10
Don Eastwood asked Neil for some advice on how to get out of a bunker they both found themselves in. Neil gave him some tips which Don applied successfully. But then Neil himself took six shots to get out of the bunker.
Don Eastwood asked Neil for some advice on how to get out of a bunker they both found themselves in. Neil gave him some tips which Don applied successfully. But then Neil himself took six shots to get out of the bunker.
Neil's bunker advice will amaze ya
His skill on the sand it will daze ya
He told Don his tricks
But himself he took six
So I'd like to propose euthanasia
His skill on the sand it will daze ya
He told Don his tricks
But himself he took six
So I'd like to propose euthanasia
Don Eastwood and Malcolm Moore 08/05/10
Don usually bets with Ed, when possible, but with Ed away, he settled for a bet with Malcolm.
Don usually bets with Ed, when possible, but with Ed away, he settled for a bet with Malcolm.
When Malcolm or Don play, we suffer
They had a bet, duffer to duffer
Who won or played worse?
Who took the large purse?
Well really, we don't give a stuff-er
They had a bet, duffer to duffer
Who won or played worse?
Who took the large purse?
Well really, we don't give a stuff-er
Dean Wood 01/05/10
It's early days for Dean in the GCGC. Our newest member has had his commitment to golf challenged in some recent rounds, but he's hung in there and comes back for more.
It's early days for Dean in the GCGC. Our newest member has had his commitment to golf challenged in some recent rounds, but he's hung in there and comes back for more.
Dean's golf has its troughs and its peaks
He can't yet achieve what he seeks
With practice and care
And courage quite rare
He soon will break 60 most weeks
He can't yet achieve what he seeks
With practice and care
And courage quite rare
He soon will break 60 most weeks
Neil Mitchell 24/04/10
Neil had a stunning day with 46 and 44 (unusually, we played 18 holes).
Neil had a stunning day with 46 and 44 (unusually, we played 18 holes).
Neil's golf hit a wonderful peak
His scoring was quite magnifique
In glory he basks
But the question one asks
Is can he repeat it next week?
p.s. No.
His scoring was quite magnifique
In glory he basks
But the question one asks
Is can he repeat it next week?
p.s. No.
Dave Pannell 24/04/10
Mike McCormack provided this week's composition. It isn't actually a limerick. Mike describes it as an ode.
Mike McCormack provided this week's composition. It isn't actually a limerick. Mike describes it as an ode.
His name is Dave, the golfing scribe
And from his pen you cannot hide
Be it ducks or clothes or being late
His pen does not prevaricate
And from his pen you cannot hide
Be it ducks or clothes or being late
His pen does not prevaricate
Geoff Weir 17/04/10
Geoff made a point of telling us we had to be on time this week, but then was late himself.
Geoff made a point of telling us we had to be on time this week, but then was late himself.
Geoff told us we must be on time
If you're late it will be a great crime
He came late and unkempt
And claimed he's exempt
So we captured his failure in Rhyme
If you're late it will be a great crime
He came late and unkempt
And claimed he's exempt
So we captured his failure in Rhyme
Mal Gammon 03/04/10
Mal drove his buggy on down the second fairway, oblivious to what was going on behind him ...
Mal drove his buggy on down the second fairway, oblivious to what was going on behind him ...
Mal's clubs on the buggy's behind
Fall off for the next group to find
He can't hear them fall
Sees nothing at all
He seems to be deaf and quite blind
Fall off for the next group to find
He can't hear them fall
Sees nothing at all
He seems to be deaf and quite blind
Malcolm Moore 27/03/10
On the first hole, we allow a "mulligan" - one free second shot if you don't like your first. Malcolm's first shot went into the bush, so he took his mullie, but he duffed that too; it went about 10 cm. So he brazenly took the law into his own hands and had an unauthorised second mullie. As usual, the golf gods had their revenge.
On the first hole, we allow a "mulligan" - one free second shot if you don't like your first. Malcolm's first shot went into the bush, so he took his mullie, but he duffed that too; it went about 10 cm. So he brazenly took the law into his own hands and had an unauthorised second mullie. As usual, the golf gods had their revenge.
The Director's shot wasn't a snorter
His mulligan made him distraughter
He knew what to do
Take mulligan two
But it trickled straight into the water
His mulligan made him distraughter
He knew what to do
Take mulligan two
But it trickled straight into the water
Mike McCormack 20/03/10
This limerick was team effort, started by Don McFarlane and finished by Dave.
This limerick was team effort, started by Don McFarlane and finished by Dave.
A Guinness post-golf with the guys
Is a pleasure Mike often denies
He only appears
For after-game beers
If he thinks he is winning a prize
Is a pleasure Mike often denies
He only appears
For after-game beers
If he thinks he is winning a prize
Mike Kelly 20/03/10
One of Mike's worst rounds for a long time.
One of Mike's worst rounds for a long time.
Poor Mike had a round to forget
It may well have been his worst yet
Despite his big score
What hurt even more
The Director scored less gross and net
It may well have been his worst yet
Despite his big score
What hurt even more
The Director scored less gross and net
St John Kenny 13/03/10
St John hit a shocking shot off the green on the 9th. It went low, bounced off the water, and ran up to the hole. He got the prize for nearest the pin. Unbelievable. There is no justice in golf.
St John hit a shocking shot off the green on the 9th. It went low, bounced off the water, and ran up to the hole. He got the prize for nearest the pin. Unbelievable. There is no justice in golf.
On 9 St John's shot was quite dirty
He was thinking he'd swear and get shirty
Bit it skimmed, bounced and rolled
To nearest the hole
And to cap it he sank a fine birdy
He was thinking he'd swear and get shirty
Bit it skimmed, bounced and rolled
To nearest the hole
And to cap it he sank a fine birdy
Don Eastwood 13/03/10
Don played like a fine golfer at times today, mainly after he'd just had coaching from Andy.
Don played like a fine golfer at times today, mainly after he'd just had coaching from Andy.
You might think that Don's golf is crappy
That he plays with a cane that's tip tappy
But his tee shot on three
Was something to see
And for once, with his golf, Don was happy
That he plays with a cane that's tip tappy
But his tee shot on three
Was something to see
And for once, with his golf, Don was happy
Andy Connor 06/03/10
GCGC stalwart Tony Harding is going to move to India for a few years. To mark the event, we held an Indian golf day today. Andy's apparel was Indian, but not quite the right Indian (he's the left-most in the photo).
GCGC stalwart Tony Harding is going to move to India for a few years. To mark the event, we held an Indian golf day today. Andy's apparel was Indian, but not quite the right Indian (he's the left-most in the photo).
Our Indian golf day was dandy
But mighty confused was poor Andy
He came as a squaw
But a plus side for sure
Is we couldn't mistake him for Gandhi
But mighty confused was poor Andy
He came as a squaw
But a plus side for sure
Is we couldn't mistake him for Gandhi
Mal Gammon and Dave Pannell 20/02/10
The limerick from 12/12/09 records a tragic story of Geoff being refused a gimme on the seventh, and then missing the downhill putt. Mal thought he'd try the same thing out on Dave, even though Andy had already given the gimme.
The limerick from 12/12/09 records a tragic story of Geoff being refused a gimme on the seventh, and then missing the downhill putt. Mal thought he'd try the same thing out on Dave, even though Andy had already given the gimme.
My ball skirts the hole, stops above it
When Andy says "gimme" I love it
But Mal says it's not
You must take the shot
I sink it, so Mal you can shove it
When Andy says "gimme" I love it
But Mal says it's not
You must take the shot
I sink it, so Mal you can shove it
Mike Kelly 20/02/10
A Kelly Gang member is Mike
He can run, he can jog, he can hike
At golf he hits jewels
If you need the golf rules
He can tell you as quick as you like
He can run, he can jog, he can hike
At golf he hits jewels
If you need the golf rules
He can tell you as quick as you like
Geoff Weir and Mike McCormack 6/02/10
Geoff whacked a ball from a greenside bunker, right across the green towards a group standing at the next tee. He would have cleaned up Mike, but for his quick instinctive reaction, described below.
Geoff whacked a ball from a greenside bunker, right across the green towards a group standing at the next tee. He would have cleaned up Mike, but for his quick instinctive reaction, described below.
Geoff Weir doesn't quite play off scratch
He today hit a shot without match
From the bunker, cross green
To the tee of 15
Where Mike, in his hat, took a catch
He today hit a shot without match
From the bunker, cross green
To the tee of 15
Where Mike, in his hat, took a catch
St John Kenny 30/01/10The limerick from 2nd May last year documents St John's regular disastrous attempts on the 8th hole to drive across water and trees straight to the green, rather than taking the safer route along the fairway. Last week he finally managed to do it, but the golf gods still had their revenge.
When St John's on eight we tell jokes
But his bad driving skills are a hoax
Yes he drove to the green
But the next bit's obscene
'Cos to sink it he took six more strokes
But his bad driving skills are a hoax
Yes he drove to the green
But the next bit's obscene
'Cos to sink it he took six more strokes
Mike McCormack 23/01/10
Mike's dress standards really caught the eye today.
Mike's dress standards really caught the eye today.
There are great golfers and there are shockers
There are great footy teams and there's Dockers
There's fashion and flair
And clothes debonair
And then there are Mike's knickerbockers
There are great footy teams and there's Dockers
There's fashion and flair
And clothes debonair
And then there are Mike's knickerbockers
Doug Wilkie 02/01/10
Dougie has a bad back, but this week made a rare appearances to play with the GCGC.
Dougie has a bad back, but this week made a rare appearances to play with the GCGC.
A golfer we rarely have seen
Is Dougie from Scotland the green
On the first hole he roared
A birdy he scored
But he couldn't do that for 18
Is Dougie from Scotland the green
On the first hole he roared
A birdy he scored
But he couldn't do that for 18
2009
Geoff Weir 12/12/09
We have a rule that if a player's ball is so close to a hole that they would almost certainly sink it, any of their playing partners can declare it a gimme, meaning that they don't have to putt it out. Geoff asked for a gimme on the 7th hole, but it was turned down, and the justice of that decision was revealed when Geoff took three putts to sink it.
We have a rule that if a player's ball is so close to a hole that they would almost certainly sink it, any of their playing partners can declare it a gimme, meaning that they don't have to putt it out. Geoff asked for a gimme on the 7th hole, but it was turned down, and the justice of that decision was revealed when Geoff took three putts to sink it.
Geoff thought a sure gimme he'd got
His friends said a gimme it's not
You must putt it out
He gave it a clout
And to sink it he needed three shots
His friends said a gimme it's not
You must putt it out
He gave it a clout
And to sink it he needed three shots
Slow golf 21/11/09
The golf today was incredibly slow. We seemed to spend more time standing around than playing golf, as the group in front had two learners and made no effort to hurry.
The golf today was incredibly slow. We seemed to spend more time standing around than playing golf, as the group in front had two learners and made no effort to hurry.
The golf was so slow we could weep
We wandered about like old sheep
We lost our momentum
Frustrations we pent ‘em
And after each shot we could sleep
We wandered about like old sheep
We lost our momentum
Frustrations we pent ‘em
And after each shot we could sleep
Malcolm Moore 07/11/09
With Dave Pannell away this week, the Club nominated a limerick sub-committee to do the job. Their limerick is so awful (and so lacking in the right rhythm for a limerick) that it's worth preserving here. It is an attempt to describe Malcolm's stunning efforts on the 9th, including his tee shot that bounced off the water and ended up in a bunker. (A Barnes Wallis is a shot that skims off water, in the style of The Dam Busters.)
With Dave Pannell away this week, the Club nominated a limerick sub-committee to do the job. Their limerick is so awful (and so lacking in the right rhythm for a limerick) that it's worth preserving here. It is an attempt to describe Malcolm's stunning efforts on the 9th, including his tee shot that bounced off the water and ended up in a bunker. (A Barnes Wallis is a shot that skims off water, in the style of The Dam Busters.)
Young Malcolm’s swing is most curious
Awful poise, and often quite furious.
But he can sometimes take solace
From the odd jammy Barnes Wallis
And from arithmetic best described as spurious.
Awful poise, and often quite furious.
But he can sometimes take solace
From the odd jammy Barnes Wallis
And from arithmetic best described as spurious.
Malcolm Moore 07/11/09
Malcolm's brilliant reply to the above monstrosity is this unforgettable ode to his own brilliance, which cleverly goes well beyond the Committee's efforts, in that it not only doesn't scan, but also doesn't rhyme, doesn't flow, and in parts doesn't make sense. It's awesome!
Malcolm's brilliant reply to the above monstrosity is this unforgettable ode to his own brilliance, which cleverly goes well beyond the Committee's efforts, in that it not only doesn't scan, but also doesn't rhyme, doesn't flow, and in parts doesn't make sense. It's awesome!
As Mal’s fine ball skimmed the lake
The boys were aghast and agape
As it danced its way into the sand
But his chip made it land
Six inches from the pin, but he didn’t get a ‘gimme’ so get stuffed!
The boys were aghast and agape
As it danced its way into the sand
But his chip made it land
Six inches from the pin, but he didn’t get a ‘gimme’ so get stuffed!
Ed Stephenson and Tony Smith 24/10/09
The round started extremely well for Tony, with an eagle 3, and extremely badly for Ed, with 9, almost a moose.
The round started extremely well for Tony, with an eagle 3, and extremely badly for Ed, with 9, almost a moose.
Our Tony and Ed they were paired
They played golf for keeps, with teeth bared
It's a funny old game
And we aren't all the same
That's why Edward got Tony's score squared
They played golf for keeps, with teeth bared
It's a funny old game
And we aren't all the same
That's why Edward got Tony's score squared
Ken Norquay 17/10/09
Ken was a long way from the flag after three shots on the 8th but made par with a huge putt.
Ken was a long way from the flag after three shots on the 8th but made par with a huge putt.
After three shots our Ken was in strife
But his nerve you could cut with a knife
He just clenched his gut
Sunk a 60 foot putt
So I'd choose him to putt for my life
But his nerve you could cut with a knife
He just clenched his gut
Sunk a 60 foot putt
So I'd choose him to putt for my life
Neil Mitchell 10/10/09
Neil had a bad week, especially getting consecutive 12s on the fifth and sixth holes. Don McFarlane captured Neil's pain.
Neil had a bad week, especially getting consecutive 12s on the fifth and sixth holes. Don McFarlane captured Neil's pain.
Neil's golfing is sometimes quite poor
He can build up a worrying score
A problem arose
Counting fingers and toes
'Cos in two holes he scored twenty four
He can build up a worrying score
A problem arose
Counting fingers and toes
'Cos in two holes he scored twenty four
Mike McCormack 3/10/09
Mike was observed giving instructions and advice to a group of strangers today, but then messing up his shot when he demonstrated exactly how do do it.
Mike was observed giving instructions and advice to a group of strangers today, but then messing up his shot when he demonstrated exactly how do do it.
Mike spotted a golf group of three
His wisdom he gave them for free
They weren't sure they'd need it
Much less did they heed it
When Mike duffed his shot off the tee
His wisdom he gave them for free
They weren't sure they'd need it
Much less did they heed it
When Mike duffed his shot off the tee
Don McFarlane and Jeff Flint 12/09/09
Jeff suffered a painful blow on the ankle from a golf ball hit by Don. We know why Don did it.
Jeff suffered a painful blow on the ankle from a golf ball hit by Don. We know why Don did it.
At golf Don's a man on a mission
He is ruthless with little contrition
He hit Flinty's ankle
A tactic that wrankles
He's driven to cut competition
He is ruthless with little contrition
He hit Flinty's ankle
A tactic that wrankles
He's driven to cut competition
Mike McCormack 29/08/09
We started later than usual today, and as a subtle protest Mike brought along a miner's helmet with light, which for some reason is in his mouth.
We started later than usual today, and as a subtle protest Mike brought along a miner's helmet with light, which for some reason is in his mouth.
Mike doesn't like playing at night
So he brought his own head-mounted light
He can see far and near
But it still isn't clear
If his golf will be dark or be bright
So he brought his own head-mounted light
He can see far and near
But it still isn't clear
If his golf will be dark or be bright
St John Kenny 18/07/09
St John was caught putting a bucket of practice balls into his car boot. There was a perfectly innocent explanation: he paid for the balls but then realised there was too little time to use them, so he was going to have a practice after our round. However, the golf shop was not amused.
St John was caught putting a bucket of practice balls into his car boot. There was a perfectly innocent explanation: he paid for the balls but then realised there was too little time to use them, so he was going to have a practice after our round. However, the golf shop was not amused.
On the driving range St John hit naught
He pulled out when the minutes ran short
In the boot went the lot
But I think he forgot
That the main thing is not to get caught
He pulled out when the minutes ran short
In the boot went the lot
But I think he forgot
That the main thing is not to get caught
Andy Connor 11/07/09
On the long par-5 sixth hole, we have a prize each week for the player whose third shot is nearest the pin.
On the long par-5 sixth hole, we have a prize each week for the player whose third shot is nearest the pin.
Andy's well known to give it a clout
When he hits it, it's hit without doubt
His nearest the pin
Was so close it was in
'Cause he pitched in from 50 yards out
When he hits it, it's hit without doubt
His nearest the pin
Was so close it was in
'Cause he pitched in from 50 yards out
Don Eastwood 4/07/09
Don achieved a rare feat on the ninth hole: his score equaled the combined scores of his three playing partners, Don McFarlane, Ed Stephenson and Dave Pannell. To be fair, they each got birdie two's, but still ...
Don achieved a rare feat on the ninth hole: his score equaled the combined scores of his three playing partners, Don McFarlane, Ed Stephenson and Dave Pannell. To be fair, they each got birdie two's, but still ...
Don, David and Ed are so kind
They will play with Don E and not mind
On the ninth they played great
And they one-putted straightl
But poor Don hit their three scores combined
They will play with Don E and not mind
On the ninth they played great
And they one-putted straightl
But poor Don hit their three scores combined
Dave Pannell 4/07/09
Guest limerickist Don McFarlane tells the sad story.
Guest limerickist Don McFarlane tells the sad story.
Young David is everyone's mate
But a steep sloping green is his hate
His second shot flew
On the green in just two
But he walked off ashamed with an eight
But a steep sloping green is his hate
His second shot flew
On the green in just two
But he walked off ashamed with an eight
Graham Cargeeg 21/06/09
Graham would like to forget his performance on the the fourth hole today, but that won't be possible now that it is immortalised in limerick. He finished with a nine, but the real pain came at the start of the hole. Hades (pronounced "hay dees") refers to the abode of the dead, or hell.
Graham would like to forget his performance on the the fourth hole today, but that won't be possible now that it is immortalised in limerick. He finished with a nine, but the real pain came at the start of the hole. Hades (pronounced "hay dees") refers to the abode of the dead, or hell.
Graham knows what a draw and a fade is
But he must think the fourth hole is Hades
'Cos today, the poor bloke
When he took his fourth stroke
He was barely in front of the ladies
But he must think the fourth hole is Hades
'Cos today, the poor bloke
When he took his fourth stroke
He was barely in front of the ladies
Don Eastwood 6/06/09
Don rarely breaks 50, but he had a screamer of a round today, with a 47, for a net 32.
Don rarely breaks 50, but he had a screamer of a round today, with a 47, for a net 32.
As a Yorkshireman Don can be thrifty
But his golfing today was quite nifty
Two or three drives went far
Two or three holes were par
He was so good he even broke 50
But his golfing today was quite nifty
Two or three drives went far
Two or three holes were par
He was so good he even broke 50
Morris Kirkham 30/05/09
Tony Smith's father in law visited him from England for seven weeks, and we had the pleasure of his company for most Saturdays of those weeks. Today was his last round before returning home.
Tony Smith's father in law visited him from England for seven weeks, and we had the pleasure of his company for most Saturdays of those weeks. Today was his last round before returning home.
Farewell Morris, we're sorry you're goin'
Will we see you again? There's no knowin'
You have had to endure
Insults blunt and obscure
But you still are our favourite blow in
Will we see you again? There's no knowin'
You have had to endure
Insults blunt and obscure
But you still are our favourite blow in
Tony Smith 23/05/09
Tony plays very casually, but his handicap hovers around scratch.
Tony plays very casually, but his handicap hovers around scratch.
While we struggle and strive to play well
Tony Smith finds it easy as hell
He's a legend, a hero
His handicap's zero
Thank God he's not handsome as well
Such talent can rarely be found
He doesn't use tees, just the ground
We don't moan or mope
But we secretly hope
That he cocks up and has a bad round
Tony Smith finds it easy as hell
He's a legend, a hero
His handicap's zero
Thank God he's not handsome as well
Such talent can rarely be found
He doesn't use tees, just the ground
We don't moan or mope
But we secretly hope
That he cocks up and has a bad round
Graham Cargeeg 16/05/09
After last week's glory, Graham had a bad week, slicing all but one of his drives.
After last week's glory, Graham had a bad week, slicing all but one of his drives.
Big Graham steps up and decrees
The next one will fly on the breeze
He draws the club back
And gives it a whack
And slices it over the trees
The next one will fly on the breeze
He draws the club back
And gives it a whack
And slices it over the trees
St John Kenny 2/05/09
On the right of the 8th hole there is a lake. Rather than following the fairway, which bends around to the right, St John usually tries to hit across the lake to the green, requiring a huge hit. It's pointless, as he never manages a good shot, but he seems unable to resist the temptation to try to clear it.
On the right of the 8th hole there is a lake. Rather than following the fairway, which bends around to the right, St John usually tries to hit across the lake to the green, requiring a huge hit. It's pointless, as he never manages a good shot, but he seems unable to resist the temptation to try to clear it.
When St John sees water on eight
He can't resist trying to be great
He pulls out the driver
To skin it alive
It goes far but it doesn't go straight
He can't resist trying to be great
He pulls out the driver
To skin it alive
It goes far but it doesn't go straight
Richard Plumb 25/04/09
It seems that team captain Geoff Weir has really found his limerick muse. Here is another one of his, referring to the bottle of wine that Richard won for his golf a few weeks back but apparently never received.
Playing golf Mr Plumb likes a whack
If he'd practice he might get the knack
When wine was afore
He fluked a good score
But his prize ended up on my rack
It seems that team captain Geoff Weir has really found his limerick muse. Here is another one of his, referring to the bottle of wine that Richard won for his golf a few weeks back but apparently never received.
Playing golf Mr Plumb likes a whack
If he'd practice he might get the knack
When wine was afore
He fluked a good score
But his prize ended up on my rack
Mal Gammon 18/04/09
Probably our most consistent scorer is Mal Gammon, but he had a lapse today, including a "moose" - a score of 10 on one hole - so called because of how you look if you hold both hands to your head and extend all 10 fingers.
Poor Mal Gammon's golf took a dive
He even scored moose, that's twice five
He struggled in vain
Yes his round was a pain
But at least all the wildlife survived
Probably our most consistent scorer is Mal Gammon, but he had a lapse today, including a "moose" - a score of 10 on one hole - so called because of how you look if you hold both hands to your head and extend all 10 fingers.
Poor Mal Gammon's golf took a dive
He even scored moose, that's twice five
He struggled in vain
Yes his round was a pain
But at least all the wildlife survived
Malcolm Moore 18/04/09
The last line of Mal Gammon's limerick above shows that we're having trouble moving on from the momentous events of last week. Further evidence of this is a bonus limerick, composed by team captain Geoff Weir, recorded on a special certificate, lovingly laminated and presented to "The Director", Malcolm Moore, in a moving ceremony today.
Playing golf the Director needs luck
But a week back he murdered a duck
He went home to the Missus
For consolatory kisses
But she told him "I don't give a damn"
The last line of Mal Gammon's limerick above shows that we're having trouble moving on from the momentous events of last week. Further evidence of this is a bonus limerick, composed by team captain Geoff Weir, recorded on a special certificate, lovingly laminated and presented to "The Director", Malcolm Moore, in a moving ceremony today.
Playing golf the Director needs luck
But a week back he murdered a duck
He went home to the Missus
For consolatory kisses
But she told him "I don't give a damn"
Tony Harding 04/04/09
This week saw Tony's personal best, a remarkable 36 for a net 28.
Tony H played a round like no other
It would even excite his old mother
He hit the ball hard
He birdied and parred
Just as if he was Tony Smith's brother
This week saw Tony's personal best, a remarkable 36 for a net 28.
Tony H played a round like no other
It would even excite his old mother
He hit the ball hard
He birdied and parred
Just as if he was Tony Smith's brother
Andy Connor 28/02/09
Andy hit two balls into the same tree, both of which bounced back at him, hence they were "returned to sender".
Young Andy plays golf like a blender
His two balls were returned to sender
He shimmied like Elvis
And wriggled his pelvis
While singing aloud, "Love Me Tender"
Andy hit two balls into the same tree, both of which bounced back at him, hence they were "returned to sender".
Young Andy plays golf like a blender
His two balls were returned to sender
He shimmied like Elvis
And wriggled his pelvis
While singing aloud, "Love Me Tender"